I can’t find my new Tiles.

I bought a box of Tiles- those Bluetooth object-tracking things made by the only logical future sponsor for this website- to replace my mostly-dead previous set. I’m sure the batteries would cost 25 cents each to replace if it wasn’t designed specifically so that you cannot replace them, so I had to buy a brand new box. This is a fucking racket, and part of everything wrong with our consumer culture, but for a small monthly sponsorship or, like, even just a couple of boxes of free ones, I would definitely remove that statement and replace it with something flattering about this product or literally any other product of your choosing.

Regrettably, the Tiles arrived on the same day that I threw a small party AKA the first day that I had cleaned my apartment in months. This act of tidying up eradicated the delicate ecosystem that I had spent said months cultivating and wiped clean the elaborate- if somewhat unreliable- mental map of everything I own. Subsequently, this brand new box is definitely residing in one of the dozens of places that I shoved the previous residents of my floor when I realized that I was running out of time before the party.

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I can’t find my laptop charger.

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I just feel like this is a really long story, so let me be succinct.

My computer came with a charger, which is good. I went to work without the charger one morning- it’s 30 minutes from my house, so I went to the mall across from work and bought a second one to leave at the office. On a subsequent day, I went to another town after work, woke up the next day and realized that I had left my charger at the office but I still needed to do work, so I had to buy another charger.

Long story short, I own three chargers and I am at a coffee shop with no charger and 12% battery life, please pray for me, thanks.

I can’t find my nasal spray. 

  
I lost my nasal spray a while back and I don’t want to buy another one because it’s expensive and I am still in denial that my 37 environmental allergies are real. 

Last night I spent the night in a house with a cat in it and my nose feels like it is full of heated pebbles. 

I lost another pair of sunglasses. 

  
I can’t find the pair of sunglasses that I purchased to wear while my other pair was missing. I remember sitting in a chair and leaning back with my hands behind my head. Then I heard the glasses hit the ground behind the chair. I thought, “ha ha, don’t forget to pick those up when you stand up, you can’t afford another pair!” I remembered this thought a week later, but I couldn’t remember which chair to attribute it to. 

I can’t find my ring. 


For Christmas, my friend gave me this very pretty brass-colored ring that looks like a feather. I wore it nonstop for a while, and then I was driving in my car, parked somewhere, and said to my passenger, “I am putting this ring in the coin holder and I’m saying it out loud so that I won’t forget it!”

While looking for a penny last week, I found my ring.

I wore it for a day, but when I took it off I didn’t tell anyone where I was putting it, so I don’t know where it is.

 

I can’t find my remote. 

My remote has been missing since before I started this blog. I didn’t  really think about it until I reached around the back of the TV to turn up the volume and the TV stand just snapped right off. As I propped the screen up against the wall, I thought to myself, “wouldn’t it be nice if that hadn’t happened because I had turned the volume up on the remote instead?” Then I drew a picture.

Side note: try drawing a picture of your TV remote from memory and see how quickly it becomes filled with an amalgamation of every button on every remote you’ve ever owned.

I can’t find my sunglasses. 

Okay, I’ll be honest, I have found these sunglasses, but I lost this drawing of the sunglasses before I could take a photo. I found the sunglasses before I found this drawing, and so there’s a painting of these sunglasses drying as we speak.

I did not make a drawing of this drawing so that I could then paint a painting of that drawing of this drawing, this is not that kind of blog, Charlie Kaufman.

I can’t find my phone charger. 


I lost my phone charger, although that might be somewhat disingenuous. I left it somewhere over the weekend, and I have confirmed its location, it’s just that that location happens to be in a different city.

It has a Kindle block and an iPhone lightning cord. I was sure that I knew what a USB symbol looked like until I tried to draw it.